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PRICE 25 CENTS. 

NO PI.AYS EXCHANGED. 



No. 21. 



f / 



■ ^ I 



THE RURAL POSIOmCL 

B7 William and Josephine Giles. 




ADOLPH E. REIM, 

Publisher, 
MILWAUKEE, WISCONSIN. 



©CI.D 24()i:a 



Na 21. 
The Rural Post-office. 



A SKETCH 



By William and Josephine Giles. 



Entered according to act of Congress in the year 1910, hy Adolph 
E. Reim, in the office of the Librarian of Congress at Washing- 
ton, D. C. 



ADOLPH E. REIM, 

Publisher, 
MILWAUKEE, - WISCONSIN. 



\.J A 









CAST. 

Si Good Old Farmer. 

Jack Good SPs Son. 

Ned Sprout Character. 

Tim Obeien Character. 

Ike Jones '. Character. 

Tom Wilson Character. 

Widow Obrien 8i's Sweetheart. 

Sally Perkins Character. 



TMP92-009250 



THE RURAL POSTOFFICE. 

SCENE: — A village post office and store comhined. Door c. ivindoto 
at the left of door c, harrels and Jyoxes at left, post office and 
store at right, safe down right, door at right, basket of eggs on coun- 
ter loith large tab standing up in basket marked "Fresh Eggs," safe 
top fixed to drop in with Si when powder explodes, large tab to ap- 
pear on top of safe marked "Fresh Eggs," when Si falls in). 

{Enter Si at door right): 

Si — Wal now, it do beat all how things do happen around these 
parts, here only yesterday that old red bull of Bob Hustons chased 
Bill Perkins clear home, and Hiram Brown's heifer, that one with 
the white spot on her nose, jumped over the fence into John Sprout's 
corn field and eat a lot of corn, and the Widow's pigs, them two 
with a white spot on the back and a curly tail, went and rooted up 
a lot of potatoes of the Waddles. Why, gol-ding it all there ain't 
a day something don't happen, why just a few days ago a thing come 
along here, I guess it was one of them automobiles they call them, 
and my old domernecker rooster was out in the road, and don't 
you know that gol-ding thing just cut his tail right off close to his, 
his, his — wal (Hesitates, then measures with hands). Wal-or-or- 
wal, I would say about ten inches from his neck, and I tell you 
that was close. 

{Enter Ned Sprout at center loith hand full of letters, drops them 
in mail box). 

Ned — {Aside). I hope the old fool won't get on ter this sur- 
prise party, he'd tell everybody here about it and maybe a lot more. 

Si — Wal, howdy, Ned, nice morning this morning! 

Ned — {Trying to put on airs). I reckon it is, seein' you said 
so. 

Si — (Looks over specs at him). Wal now, ye don't need ter get 
so all fired peart about it, I reckon I know what I said! 

Ned — I s'pose ye do, I didn't say ye didn't, did I ? 

Si — Now, gol durn your hide, you're tryin' ter pick a fuss out of 
me, but ye better be careful young man, (Shaken fist at him). Why, 
I could lick you and your blamed family besides! 



4 THE RURAL POST OFFICE. 

'Ned — Cool down, Si, I don't want to have to hurt an old man 
like you, why it would be a shama 

8i — {Angrily, going from hehind counter). You — you — hurt me,. 
you big, red headed, overgrown clod hopper. (Makes at Ned). 

Ned — (Laughing) , Good day. Si. (Exit at door center). 

Si — Now it was a mighty good thing for him he went, why, I 
would have wiped up this gosh hanged floor with him. (Going 
hack of counter). But, I wonder who all them letters were to, he 
dropped in the box? (Picks up handful of letters, runs over 
them). Local, local, local, local, local, — wal, I'll be gol-ding, if he 
don't w^ant these letters all sent on the local, let's see what time 
does the local go? But, huh, everyone of them is addressed to 
somebody here about's, wal I always did know he hadn't half sense. 

(Enter Tim Obrien at center). 

Tim — Hello, Si, say got any mail for me? I've been looking for 
my brother and his family for the last month, but they haven't come 
or sent any word yet. 

Si — Oh, yes — yes, they're coming next week, one of the children hud 
the chicken pox, the reason they haven't been here before this. 
(Hands Tim a postal card). Here is a postal card he sent ye. I 
would have let you know, Tim, the other day, when the card 
come, I know'd you would not get over to the office for a few days, 
but you know we are not to look over the cards and read them. 

Tim — All right. Si, much obliged! (Exit at center). 

Si — Now, gol durn it, I wish they would quit bothering me until 
I get the post cards all read-or-or-er-er-I mean destributed yes:;^ 
yes destributed — 

(Enter Sally Perkins at center). 

Sally — Any mail for me, Silas? 

Si — (Jumps around, picks up hunch of letters and cards). Yes, 
here is one for ye, but that durn fool, Ned Sprout wanted it sent 
on the local, gol durn his hide, I'll see him in that other place, 
before I send it that way, you just take it right along home with 
ye, Sally! 

Sally — (Takes letter). Thank you. (Sits down hy counter, reads 
letter). 

Si — (Trying to look over her shoulder to read it, gets up on 



THE RURAL POST OFFICE. O 

counter). Wal, I'll be gol diirned, a surprise party! (Aside). 

Sally — (Aside). I'll have to hurry, I guess I'll have to bake a 
cake. (Aloud). Good day, Silas! 

(Si trying to get hack to his place, falls off of counter, Sally 
exits at center). 

Si — (Gets up). Huh, thinks he's smart, don't he? Havin' a 
surprise party on the widder Obrien and never sayin' anything ter 
me, and he knows blamed well I've been sparkin' the widow nigh 
unto ten years. Gol durn it, just wait 'till the widow comes in 
hftre— 

(Enter Ike Jones and Tom Wilson at center). 

Tom — (Aside). I say, Ike, what's the matter with us trying that 
little stunt we just read about, why hang it all, we could rob that 
bank! (Points to safe). 

Ike — Huh, wal now we'll do it to-night. 

Si — Anything you boys want? 

Tom — No sir, we just come in ter look around a little. 

/^e — (Goes up to counter). Did you ever have your safe blowed, 
Mr. Good? 

Si — Wal now, I don't believe I did, not that I remember of any- 
how, and I jist tell ye it wouldn't be the best thing for some gol 
durned goloot ter try to blow that safe neither! 

(Ike and Tom wink and smile at each other) 

Si — Why, hang it boys, I sleep back in that room there, and I 
tell ye, there ain't anybody goin' ter get in here without me knowin' 
it! 

Tom — Wal, now uncle, you aughtn't be too sure of that! 

//,-e— No sir, that's a fact! Didn't you hear about that big rob- 
bery in New York the other day, why robbers blowed a safe open 
and got away with forty thousand dollars! 

Si — Do tell, why how did they ever do it? 

Tom — Huh, why gol durn it, they just went right in and blowed 
the safe open and took the money and left, and they didn't get 
them either! 

Si — Wal, I swan, ye don't mean ter tell me, but don't make any 
difference to me, they can't rob my safe I tell ye, and ye can bet 
your boots on that! 

Ike — All right, uncle, come on kid, we got ter be movin' on. Good- 
by, uncle I 



6 THE RURAL POST OFFICE. 

Si — Good-by, boys ! . 

(Ike and Tom exit at center). 
(Enter ^Vldoiv Obrien at center). 

8ir—(Boicing). Howdy, Mrs. Obrien, is thar something I can do 
for you, to-day V 

Widow Ohrien — Why, land salves, Si, you're getting pretty peart 
these days, ain't you? 

Si — Wal now Belinda, ye know what makes me feel so happy,, 
gosh hang it all, didn't ye jist as much as tell me ye would marry 
me, t'other night on the way home from church? 

Widow Obrien — Why mercy me, Silas, what queer notions you 
get into your head. (Stands heside pickle barrel). Why, I never 
thought of such a thing! 

Si — (Coming from back of counter and stands in front of barrel). 
Now dang it all, Belinda, what's the use of all this blamed foolin' 
haven't I been courtin' ye nigh unto ten years? I love you, Belinda, 
say you'll marry me. (Puts arm around her). 

Widoiv Obrien — But, Silas, dear this is so sudden — dear me, I 
hardly know what to say! 

Si — Say yes, Belinda, and let us seal it with a kiss. 

Widoio Obrien — Well, if it must be, Silas, I suppose it must. 

(They embrace). 
(Enter Jack at center). 

Jack— Why, father! 

Widow Obrien — Oh — oh — for goodness sakes ! 

(Si jumps and falls backward into pickle barrel). 

Widow Obrien — (Grabbing for him). Oh, for the land sakes,. 
Silas, how did you ever come to get in there? 

Si — Help — help — I'll drown! 

Jack — (Going to him). Don't hurry pap, gol durn, if we don't 
get you out in a hurry. 

Widow Perkins— (Takes Si's hand). Yes Silas, don't get skeered, 
we'll get you out. 

Jack — All together now, pull Belinda!. (Both pull. Si comes out 
of barrel). 



THE RURAL POST OFFICE. 7 

Si — (Feeling seat of pants, looking into barrel). Now gee whiz, 
I wonder if that vinegar all soaked into my pants? Say Belinda, 
don't you think if I back up against the barrel that you could wring 
some of the vinegar back into it? 

Widow 01)rien — Indeed Silas, if you be that stingy, I don't want 
anything more to do with you, and that settles it! 
(Widow Obrien exits at c). 

Jack — Say pap, I think you had better get in behind the coun- 
ter 'till your pants get dry, there is enough vinegar on the pickles 
to keep them from spoiling. But, say pap, what was you and the 
widow doing when I come in? 

Si — (Going behind the counter). Why gol ding it, we was just 
lookin ' at them pickles in that barrel ! 

Jaok — Huh, that's funny, it 'peared to me you had your backs to 
the barrel ! 

Si — No sir — no sir, we didn't ! W)e were lookin' in the barrel ! 

Jack — Wal, how'd ye come ter fall in backwards then? 

Si — Oh, gol dang it all. Jack, go and mind your own business, 
I am tired of answering fool questions! 

Jack — All right pa, hope the widow ain't mad at you. Next 
time you go to kiss her, get out behind the barn. (Exit at c). 

Si — Now, gosh hang it all, how did he know I was kissin' the 
widow, we had our backs to him? 'Pears ter me the young folks 
is gettin' mighty smart these days! (Looks at large watch). Wal, 
I guess it's time for me ter lock up, it's past eight o'clock. (Takes 
basket of eggs and puts them in the safe, lays the tab ''fresh eggs" on 
top of safe). Now, I don't want to loose that "Fresh egg" tab, it 
cost me ten cents ter get a feller ter paint it, and it saves a lot 
of breath too. (Takes out stainps and postal cards and goes back 
of counter). I alias count up everything at night, so as ter keep 
my business in good shape, and not have any mistakes. (Takes 
money from drawer). Now, here is thirteen one-cent stamps, and 
twelve two-cent ones, that makes twenty-six cents, and nine postal 
cards, that makes thirty-eight, altogether thirty-eight cents belong- 
ing to Uncle Sam. (Counts money). Five pennies, three nickles 
and four dimes, fifty cents just. (Puts it in the safe). Wal, I 
guess that it all and I might as well turn in. (Starts and stiaps 
finger). Now, by gum, if I didn't plum forget ter tell the widow 
about that surprise party, I bet I'll tell her the first thing in the 
morning, they can't get ahead of me, by gosh! (Stretches, yawns). 
Wal, I guess I'll go to bed. (Exits at l.). 



Apr 21. i9»i 

8 THE RURAL POST OFFICE, 

Tom — (Opens window, sticks head in, looks all around room). 
De coast is clear Ike, now don't make too much noise, the old cod- 
ger might hear us and then it would be up with us. (Climhs in 
wf>ndmo with lantern, falls on floor). 

Ike — (Crawls in after Tom). I say Tom, do you think de old man 
is deaf? You're makin' enough noise ter wake the dead! (Falls 
over Tom). Why don't ye get out of a feller's road? 

Tom — (Getting np). Aw, cut it out you great big clumsy ele- 
phant, couldn't ye see me there? (Falls over a chair). 

Ike — Now, there you go again, can't ye stand up? 

Tom — (Getting up). I can stand up as good aa you kin, you 
ain't got no room ter talk. 

Ike — Wal, I think we had better get busy, where is that powder? 

Torn— No, I'll fix the powder, you search through the store, take 
everything that ain't nailed down. (Lets box of powder fall). 

Ike— (Starts behind counter, upsets box). Gol durn it all, that 
blamed box fell on my toe! 

Tom — For Heaven sake Ike, don't make so much noise! (Falls 
over chair, upsets lantern). 

//ce— What in de blazes are ye doing? There goes our light! 

Tom — (Gets up. puts poioder under safe). Aw you hold your 
head, you ain't got no room ter talk! Gib me a match 'till I lights 
this string. 

Ike — Got de string lit, that lights de powder yet? 

Tom — No, dat's what I wants wid a match! ^ 

Ike — Wal. here is a piece of one. (Starts, listens). Listen Tom, 
there comes the old codger now, how did he ever come ter hear 
us? Hurry up there you slow poke. (Crawls out of windoio). 

Tom^(Strikes match, lights string). I bet that will blow the 
blamed thing all to pieces, then we'll come back and rob the safe. 
(Exits through window). 

(Enter Si from l. with candle, hare-footed with night cap on). 

Si— (Looking all around). Now, gol durn it, I thought I heard 
a noise, don't see anybody tho, seems kinder funny, 'peared ter me 
I heard somebody makin, a racket out here. (Sits on safe). Wal, 
I just believe I'll just set down here and wait a bit, maybe some 
person is try in' ter break in my place of business, I've been kinder 
narvous all evening. (Looks around). It pears ter me I kin smell 
something burning. (Poivder explodes, Si falls into safe, sign ap- 
pears on top of safe, ''Fresh Eggs''). Help! Help! 
^CURTAIN— 



One copy del. to Cat. Div. 



APR 2! 19! 



M 



